TNA.

HELL.

2010-12-13T22:45:00.002+08:00

I dragged my best friend into hell with me.
Fucking crazy selfish shit i did,
but instead of feeling guilty,
i feel happy.
Wonderful.

Something's fucking wrong with me,
& i don't want to change it.

Fucked up to the fucking limit.

Limits?
I forgot;
I've none.

BREAK.

2010-06-10T23:32:00.002+08:00

Random,
super random.

I'll be in Thailand from the 15th to the 28th.
We've already bought the tickets.
Now honestly i'd rather my dad save the money for iPhone 4.

I don't feel excited at all;
i'm feeling the regrets in me already.
I would rather stay home alone somehow.
It makes me feel better lying to myself that i'll study when i won't,
& go clubbing, stir some shit & do something crazy along the way.

Life like that would be so much fun.
Then again,
i absolutely cannot give up shopping!
I've got my moolah supplier, so i'm getting my clothes & shiz.

As for the phone,
i'll make it,
someway, somehow.
This baby will indefinitely be mine.

BYEBYE.

2010-05-04T23:49:00.004+08:00

I (doosh-box) have gone somewhere else.
A changed name,
but same place.
Find me,
if you must,
if you will,
if you can :D

EMPTY.

2010-04-25T00:07:00.008+08:00

I've got nothing to blog about,
because all the things that i could have blogged about happened days ago & i'm too lazy to find those stuff in my mind.
I just needed to keep this blog alive.

& i love my friends,
by the way (:

Enjoy this in the mean time.
By Dumbfoundead, Clara, & my baby Jay :}
The lyrics are so real.
& that's what i love about the song.
Sick raps too.

Roll, roll back the clouds
Let the sun shine through

[VERSE 1-DUMBFOUNDEAD]
There's light at the end of the tunnel
I haven't seen it
Not all of us become rockstars and ballerinas
Even in California the sun ain't always beaming
Can't predict the forecast for all four seasons
We have dark days
Can't make your car payments
Workin a whackass job living in mom's basement
Some lands never get rain so there's starvation
Some only see snow through neighborhoods scarred faces
Not everything is set in stone
The weather changes
It's like god that the devil's trying to entertain us
Walked in the treacherous storm and overcame it
It is never an easy path on the road to greatness
So don't you give me that boo hoo hoo shit
We're moving on to that new new new shit
Look up into the clouds and watch it blow away
Until my problems just go away

[CHORUS-CLARA]
When the clouds are in the sky
Know that they're just passing by
There'll be sunshine
Yeah
If your days are stormy nights
Dry the raindrops from your eyes
There'll be sunshine

[VERSE 2-JAY]
Everybody works hard for their goals to achieve
But like the ocean is sea, man, the motion is free
So nothing ever adds up the way we want it to
I guess my math teacher was just a substitute
Everybody hits a rough patch turbulence in the sky
Life's a cow I made a burger
And I'm serving it with some fries
Gotta make do with the cards that are dealt
And though it's hard as hell
I know that God will help
Cause although I live in Seattle
It's not always gonna rain
There'll be some sunny days coming up this way
Everybody's wanting to see me struggling
Running away from pain
But I know the wondrous things are coming to visit again someday
So no worries I just stand here with a smirk on my face
Although I know some people out there throwin dirt on my name
But it's all good
Still show em some love
Cause unlike that girl from the movie
I ain't holdin no grudge

[CHORUS-CLARA]
When the clouds are in the sky
Know that they're just passing by
There'll be sunshine
Yeah
If your days are stormy nights
Dry the raindrops from your eyes
There'll be sunshine

[BRIDGE-CLARA]
I've been a little lost
But I'm not colorblind
I'll follow that yellow brick road
And put my fears behind
And on that yellow road
I'll find a wishing well
Cast a line and in time I know I'll prevail

I Will Smile For You.

2010-04-19T00:14:00.004+08:00

Because i'm sure you're smiling too, in the arms of our loving Father.
I dedicate this post to my junior, Egan Supharta Mercubuwono, who has fought a strong, brave & long suffering battle with nose cancer.
Today, i've learned that he was called home to be with the Lord.

God wanted him now, so God set him free.

We've barely talked much, but i could never forget the things we have in common:
the love & passion for music & the arts.
You drew & painted, pictures i could never have did,
colored them so vibrantly they shone in your eyes, the same shade as the morning glow.
So cheeky you were, & so full of life too.
My heart sinks when i reminisce on those times, but somewhere deep within there is relief & a sense of peace because i know God can now take care of you in our stead.
This is for you, Egan.

Wasn't written well...couldn't think.

Dearest friend, whom once i knew,
you've came too fast & left too soon.

Words to say, so hard to find,
a friend like you is one of a kind.

Though time is eternity for those who love,
it's too short for me, it's not enough.

You have fought well, you have fought long,
so God has called to take you home.

& i know with God; i can't argue,
He just wants too much to be with you.

& set you free is what he did,
the pain & suffering; He took you from it.

Now you can walk & run my friend,
into our loving Father's hand.

He'll do my job & take my place,
to comfort you in His tight embrace.

A well deserving, eternal rest,
in our peaceful Father's nest.

Live in our memory & die in our love,
take these tears & soar up above.

Goodbye is not the end you see,
in heaven i know, again we will meet.

Till then, i will smile at skies for you,
because i know you're smiling down on me too.

"May the blessing of light be on you - light without & light within.
May the blessed sunlight shine on you like a great peat fire,
so that stranger & friend may come and warm himself at it.
& may light shine out of the two eyes of you,
like a candle set in the window of a house,
bidding the wanderer come in out of the storm.
& may the blessing of the rain be on you,
may it beat upon your Spirit & wash it fair and clean,
& leave there a shining pool where the blue of Heaven shines,
& sometimes a star.
& may the blessing of the earth be on you,
soft under your feet as you pass along the roads,
soft under you as you lie out on it, tired at the end of day;
& may it rest easy over you when, at last, you lie out under it.
May it rest so lightly over you that your soul may be out from under it quickly;
up and off & on its way to God.
& now may the Lord bless you,
bless you kindly.
Amen."

COLOR FRENZY.

2010-04-18T01:54:00.004+08:00

Here's something for you guys to admire.
BEFORE:
(F'kn random but i love my eyes in this picture, check out the folds at my lids :)

AFTER:

Impressive?
YOU BET IT IS!

I did it all by myself, approximately 2hrs ago.
Pure awesomeness, yes i am :D
The color wasn't what i was expecting at all!
Believe me or not, i bought BLOND.
Oh you bet your ass i did.
I guess that's the problem with black hair.
So f'kn black you gotta dye it twice or do it at a salon.
But i'm satisfied overall.
It didn't look like shit, & didn't sucked that badly.
Happy color me hair frenzy :D

& I SAY THE SAME SHIT,

2010-04-10T17:54:00.006+08:00

every single time.
Can't do a vlog now, dad's home & asleep & i wouldn't wanna wake him up with all my raucous blabbering.
The past 2days have been a blast, & i wished it would last longer.
There isn't much time for me to be having fun right now,
considering school's starting on the 19th,
& my timetable seems pretty much fucked up to me.
I got into Petrochemical Processes, Pharmaceutical Processes & Environmental & Water Technology.
I feel like appealing out of Petrochemical Processes instead, after much consideration.
Reason being now that i've got it, i've lost total interest in it, & i've forgotten about the reason why i ever chose this module in the first place.
But i do know this module has got absolutely no calculations (or so i heard or i was told).
I feel like getting into Biologics or Special Chemicals, whatever the fuck that is.
But since people are telling me chances of appealing is probably very low,
fuck it then.
It's the people whom i'm gonna study with that matters anyway.

I'm feeling fucking frustrated with myself right now, & i don't exactly know whatever the fuck's wrong with me.
Thinking back, i don't even know what the hell i was doing, or why the hell i even acted that way.
Was it for the attention, or was it just out of plain boredom, curiosity, or for the hell of the fun?
A mixed of all probably.
I admit, i like the attention, but i don't crave it, i'm not some attention-seeking whore.

But even you have no clue either do you?

& i now somewhat understand why people turn to fags & shit:
'cos when you're bored or you feel fucked up inside, it's just something you do.
I'm not proud of the fact that i now do social smoking, or that i even hid the fact from my friends,
but i'm not addicted, so what's the big fuss about?
I know it's fucking hypocritical of me to be saying this since i've always been a fag-repelling bitch who hates the smell of those shit but honestly, the smell when you smoke & the smell where after people smoke & they blow it in your fucking faces is different.
Yes they're the same shit anyway, came out from the same source, out from the same flame but, just wait till you try. I'm not promoting or instigating anything, just saying.
& hey, i'm human.
I make mistakes & i tweaked a bit of the whole truth but don't be raining your crap on my parade just 'cos i did what i did & you guys couldn't comprehend whatever the fuck i did.
Everyone had a choice & it's not like i regretted it.
If i became a full-fledged addict then i would probably kick myself hard in the head, & i haven't strayed from the person i want to be aight'.

I need a puff right now.

But i ain't gonna smoke.

CHALET.

2010-04-08T04:24:00.002+08:00

I'm blogging on Alex's Macbook.
I was fucked before but i'm feeling a bit better.
I'm bored & listening to music right now with a couple of people who are probably shagged to death.
Anyway,
will update more often when i'm back with a couple of more pictures.
Bye.

I just asked Eugene a dumb question.

VLOG.

2010-04-07T00:26:00.003+08:00

Yes it's coming soon.
VERY, VERY SOON.
Matter of fact, i might make one when i wake up...
Or at least before i leave for my friend's chalet.
& just so if any of my classmates happens to be reading this,
there might be a zero to negative chance of me attending school on the 8th.
I'm sorry ):
I've thought it through & being the class-skipping bitch i am,
i think i'm staying true to that self-declared title.

I'm so excited about the whole vlog thing!
I was inspired by this black guy who's hella funny in his vlogs.
I love black people, they can fucking sing & dance, & they're so funny & entertaining.
Thank God for black people, AMEN.
I know vlog's a thing of the past but who fucking cares;
I think it's gnarly, stupid, fun & i wanna do it.
& so what if i'm making a fool of myself,
life is messed up as it already is & i could seriously do with a little bit of excitement :D
If you hate me, you shouldn't be here reading anyway,
cos as far as i'm concern the only people who bothers to read my blog, my tweets to just keep in sync with my life are the ones who TRULY matters to me.
& it means that i mean something to them too (:

Just so you know, although i indefinitely in some ways am going to ruined myself & make a fucking butt-hole out of it,
i am not gonna be so degrading as to use singlish.
So call me pretentious or whatfuckingever; I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
Or even two fucks.
Think of it for a second;
the only website i could think of hosting my vlogs is YOUTUBE,
& that's a huge-ass international site for sourcing videos all over the world from anything to everything.
We're talking global humiliation here.
So let's not do anything drastic 'cos i'm no way in a hurry to destroy my life that quickly.
Stay tuned for it & hit me with feedbacks or something.
If you love me, thank you.
& if you hate me, FUCK YOU.

[Edit]
I'm feeling guilty already...for saying that i might not be attending the briefing in school on the 8th.
Reihana just tweeted me & said "See you on Thursday ね~".
I know all my classmates are gonna be so excited seeing each other after such a long break & GOSH WHAT DO I DO?!
If i'm not there then, 미안해요... }:
[/Edit]

'the hell...

2010-04-04T11:42:00.002+08:00

I've been watching this Taiwan drama,
Down With Love.
My god what happened to me?!
What have i become?!
I used to hate Taiwan dramas so much.
But not the ones with Ella or Jerry :D
I'm at episode 4 now.
& YES,
i skipped work.
Keep it hushed for me baby (:

Believe In Dreams

2010-04-01T04:37:00.003+08:00

I know, days will come and go,
maybe I'll grow old, but I will die.
For now, is it worth it to be sad,
if it's harder to be glad to be alive?

But the trouble I have caused...
I wonder...
Where do I belong?
Is it here?

Believe in dreams you love so much,
let the passion of your heart make them real.
& tell all the ones you love,
anything & everything you feel.

Laugh about the past,
& secretly...
Wish we could go back & save the child.

As I look around this room seeing worried eyes that know,
it's time we cannot buy...
Was this worth the time to write?
Was this worth the time to write?

Believe in dreams...
I believe in dreams...
I believe in dreams...
I believe in you.

Believe in dreams you love so much,
let the passion of your heart make them real.
& tell all the ones you love,
anything & everything you feel.

Believe in dreams...
Believe in dreams...

Beezy.

2010-03-29T14:10:00.004+08:00

Oh it's been a crazy weekend.
Been working on Saturday & Sunday, then there's band today,
tomorrow i'll be celebrating Huimin's birthday with the drunkards,
then it's band again on Wednesday & i'm thinking about rocking out to ladies night,
& FINALLY.
Rest my weary soul.
Might attend NIE band practice on Friday night, then back to working on Saturday & Sunday again.
Awesome?
Yeah, awesome.

I've got a couple of plans regarding money issues.
Touchy eh?
I'm gonna make my spectacles, AS ALWAYS EVER SINCE FOREVER,
then indulge in some shopping & save up the rest for my piano,
& scrimp some more for NEW YORK, NEW YORK! (& Thailand)
The band's confirmed for New York next year.
I know i'll probably working my sorry ass for attachment & stuff but i'm definitely going.
I pray that i haven't graduate by then because i am a cheap bitch & i hope to get the subsidies on the trip from the school. (75% subsidy, sweet!)
Meaning more money for shopping :D

I shan't waste my precious afternoon blogging away on future plans that almost never go smoothly (but they do work out somehow).
I shall make use of this time to watch some movies/dramas.
& gettin' some Jay Park lovin' too :}
Adieu!

ISSUES.

2010-03-24T14:41:00.004+08:00

Added some colors to my blog 'cos it looks so dull.
& the quote at the top would change as & now or whenever i find another nice quote to replace.
Well, most of the quotes are lyrics anyway.
& if you're wondering about the familiarity;
yes it's taken from my old blog.
I'm not very good with HMTLs & shit so i thought it was gonna turn out like crap & just maybe i should give it up or something,
BUT,
surprisingly,
i did it & it was so friggin' easy y'all!
A pat on the shoulder Tina,
a pat on the shoulder (:

BE WARNED:
Can't be viewed on Internet Explorer
Who'd use that nowadays anyway.
Ever since Firefox/Safari/Chrome came out IE just got lost within hundreds of useless programs in my laptop.

I've been down on health lately.
Can't complain 'cos i haven't been living healthily anyway,
but i didn't think it would suck so badly.
& my appetite's gone mad!
Absolutely bonkers!
It has been so impossibly insatiable recently;
i don't know what's wrong with my system.
Last night i was so hungry even after having 2 apples plus dinner.
Apples because i figured it would be a healthier choice since it was 2am in the morn' & it would suck badly if i had indigestion again.
I never want to relive that nightmare of a horror & torture.

& now i'm still fucking hungry but i gotta curb this son of a bitch before i gain some pounds (which i think i already have considering how unhealthy i've been living).
I'm still counting on my friends for blading/cycling which ain't happening evidently.
Sad life.
Now i wish school would just hurry up & start already,
& i hope it'll be a great year for me.
It's great to move on to something new considering all the hell you've put up with trying to pass those ridiculously difficult subjects.
Yeah i passed all 'aite,
WHO'S Y'MAMA?! :D
But everyone chose different combination & we're all gonna split up.
I hope someone chose the same combination as me,
i'm pretty sure there are a few out there.
Definitely not none, but a few.
Comforting enough.

Alright,
gotta get ready & head out for band soon.
The only reason for me to get out of my house for some fresh air.

Work.

2010-03-19T17:24:00.002+08:00

I'm blogging.
From my workplace, while working & standing.
It's so fucking boring I wanna cry.
The managers are not here & I've got all these boring promoters around me.
Surprisingly there's only one auntie here.
Other than the songs the DJ's playing,
I'm not enjoying the rest of everything here.
There's absolutely nothing to shop for,
& there's so much as to where I can take a walk.
Even the cinema "Film Garde" or whatever fuck is showing crappy movies.
One more day,
with a few more hours to go.
I need to perservere.

NOTHIN' ON YOU.

2010-03-16T23:18:00.004+08:00

They got nothin' on you baby,
nothin' on you baby.

Originally by B.o.B feat. Bruno Mars.
I love this song & didn't expect Jay to cover it!
Babybabybaby!
Check out those hot white chocolate abs, mmnnnpphhff!!!
That body is wayyy hotter than Taylor's :D

I LOVE YOU!

Just Friends.

2010-03-16T01:18:00.003+08:00

I ain't tryna speed game,
i ain't tryna be impressin',
just leave me name & ya number nothin' other like a message.
I ain't usin' any methods in pressin' you in directions,
i ain't tryna pop the questions just please gimme a second.
I just wanna get to know you & the person you are,
i may find that you're a homeless soul under a star,
it don't matter baby ~~girl~~ boy i'm tryna grab a bite to eat,
i'm tryna have a conversation not just sit there silently.
I ain't faking this,
we can take this at the pace it is,
i'm just tryna establish some kind of relationship with you.

Jay rapped this to Musiq Soulchild's Just Friends.
Since i could catch most of the parts (well it makes more sense my way anyway),
i've been itching to write out the lyrics.
Watched so many videos of him on youtube & honestly it breaks my heart to know he's not coming back.

I wish i could fly to Seattle just to see him B-boy.
I'll get my chance :D

Dying.

2010-03-13T12:57:00.002+08:00

I've lost count of the burps,
& toilet visits.
I am so drained of energy & haven't slept a wink since yesterday.
I don't understand how someone could burp 24/7 even when sleeping - neither do i understand how a bowl of noodles could be digested to the state where i am defecating liquid stools, & have been defecating for a span of more than 12hrs, even now.
When i say liquid stools, i mean LIQUID PURELY.
No solids, not even bits & pieces whatsoever.
My stomach still feels so bloated & my burps has got a putrid taste to it,
like the after-taste of the noodles. (I don't think i'll be eating noodles for months)
The constant bowel movements has given me body-aches,
acute pain & major discomfort in the tummy,
& also the sweet-loving fever.
I am dying & that is not an overstatement or a case of some drama queen exaggeration.
I am not being a bitch about it, although it seems like i am.
IF YOU WAS ME YOU'D BE FEELIN' THE SAME.

I hope Imodium helps.

You've lost your muchness.

2010-03-10T15:33:00.002+08:00

"You were so much & much more than what you were.
You've lost your muchness."

I think it was something like that.
Quoted from Alice in Wonderland.

Watched it yesterday with Nicole at Tampines Mall's GV.
It's been what,
2years i think?
Haven't been there since then.
& there was this bread push-cart thing (which i think there's also one in AMK Hub basement) selling really nice cheese tarts.
Feels nice to be in a place i'd forgotten about.
There was a new mall too: Tampines One.
I NEVER KNEW THAT.

I spy with my biggy eyes TOPSHOP :D

Anyhoo was supposed to head on down to 85 for dinner BUT,
CLOSED!
OF ALL DAYS, PERIODS & TIME IT HAD TO BE CLOSED ON MY VIRGIN TRIP YESTERDAY TO EAT THE BAH CHOR MEE.
I wasn't this devastated as it may seem,
Nicole was more affected than i was.
Hey,
it ain't gonna run somewhere!
I'm gonna be free for a very, very long time.
Had dinner at Bedok instead,
& we talked about our plans for the future (or so it seemed as if we were haha!).
I am so digging the idea of living in States for a year & just survive by working as a waitress.
Eurasian boyfriend/husband, come meet your destiny baby!

I've decided to get some books from Kinokuniya on graffiti & Korean.
I'm gonna learn the cool shit all on my own & there's nothing anyone could do about it.
& typography's so f'kn cool!
Never knew such type of art exist!
Ahhh i'm way behind the art-farty trend & i need to catch up.
& anybody got work to introduce?
I need to work & earn those dope for those ridiculous dreams of mine.
Seems almost impossible & crazy,

QUOTE:
"But i'll let you in on a secret,
all the great people are crazy."

Toodles :D

Incomplete.

2010-03-08T02:02:00.002+08:00

Missed this song.
Found it lost within 70gb of music in my computer.
Loved it then,
loving it still.
Sisqo - Incomplete.

Freedom.

2010-03-04T18:05:00.003+08:00

So many things i'd like to get done this holidays:
1) Club or chill with my bitches in a pub. (Let's just grab some drinks shall we?)
2) Movies. Like duh, how can you leave this out?
3) Cycling cos' my bike has been screaming at me in silence to take it out for a ride.
4) BAND. Geek & loving it. Always am & will be, except this is not an exception where i have a choice not to go.
5) Shopping!!! & probably get something done with my hair too.
6) I'll fill this up again.

I'm sooo lazy to blog,
but i'll update my twitter often.
How about you follow me on twitter to check on me 24/7?
Awesome?
Awesome :D

Justify.

2010-02-23T22:57:00.006+08:00

I need to justify myself.

Whatever happened in the past should stay in the past.
& that doesn't mean we should stay stuck in it forever - move on.
I don't care, & i never did anyway,
but to say i was completely ignorant would have been a lie.
I just can't be bothered.

I can't be bothered with the situation, not with what's going on between us.
I would have stepped out then to talk about it,
but really i don't think things would be so pleasant doing so.
Would you have listened calmly?
Would you be able to take all the shit that's gonna come out of my mouth?
Honestly i don't think so.
& seriously you're over-reacting then.
It's funny how things went out of proportion when i didn't even give much of a shit to it.
I'm sure right now you're going "Who says i won't blahblahblah what-the-fuck?!" & stuff;
i'm still sticking to my stand.
I don't make assumptions out of thin air,
& i don't judge people for the fun of it.
& yes i am judging you then & now still,
i won't deny.
If you feel it's a selfish act of injustice towards you, then hate me.
That's the glitch in life people couldn't stand so live with it & deal with it (:
I think we needed space.

& that's why i didn't give a damn.
If i did,
believe me,
it wouldn't be silent bitching anymore - i'd take it right to your face, right in front of everyone.
I'm a bitch like that.
I've got nothing to lose & nothing to hide, so what's the big deal?
& hey,
i'm human too - i have brains & emotions.
What'd you think?
That i'm some crazy bitch going 'round doing shit to fuck people up or something?
It's not a hobby or some sadistic pleasure.
It was never easy telling the ugly truth to someone you regard as a friend,
even more not so when you're gonna tell them about their faults & flaws.
But because we're weak like that,
secretly inside we've somehow grew hatred & dislike for one another because none of us ever want to face the problem anyway;
neither of us want to talk about it.

"I don't wanna hurt you."
It's really fucked up to think this way.

I think before i speak, or even do anything,
& i think a lot & i think hard.
If there was an easier way to settle things without having to lie or smack each other in the face or stab each other in the heart believe me i would have done that.

& i won't gloss over the fact that things are awkward either.
Honestly i find it hard to even look you in the eye, much less open my mouth.
Because what do i do then?
Just continue staring & wondering if i should say something?
I'd be a fucking creep.
& if it makes me more of a stuck-up snobby bitch to do that;
i've got nothing else to say.
That's me.
I don't wanna make excuses for myself or anything else.
I don't deal very well with awkwardness unless someone's willing to open up & even talk to me.

I can't say things could go back to normal or if opinions are gonna change,
but i believe sincerely with all my heart that everything broken can be fixed.
Well technically not everything, but you know what i mean.
A precious broken vase would have held more meaning to a perfect one,
for the imperfections on it speaks of the fragility & makes us treasure it more,
& it reminds us of the reason why it was ever broken in the first place - don't you agree?

I am done with the whole charade.
I've been over it for a long time.
Judge me hate me -whatever.
I don't care, because i'm nice like that (:
It's cool if you sit with me or talk to me,
& it's also cool if you don't.
We can even sit in silence & stare if that makes the situation any better.
I don't hate you, but i can't say i like you very much either?
I forgive but i believe it's hard to forget even for you.
It takes time,
but till then we can always go back to the start, to a fresh beginning.

I'll start with,
"Hi, my name is Tina, what's yours?"

:D

Ps: I feel so much better now.

Huff & Puff.

2010-02-22T16:37:00.002+08:00

I did it.
My first stick of stinkin' fag that i hate so.very.much.
I smoked.

I smoked?
I was SMOKIN' HOT!

Hahaha!
It wasn't something to be proud of,
but yet i am :D
& it wasn't a great sensation either - it just fills up your lungs & choke you.
I only got 2 successful puffs after what,
10 tries?
Nicole said i wasn't taking in enough & that i released it too soon,
cos she couldn't see any smoke coming out of my mouth.
The thing was,
i didn't suck in air after a puff which i think makes a whole lotta difference.
My throat feels so dry now.

Okay my head doesn't feel too good either & it's not because i smoked.
I just didn't have enough sleep.
& i need to get ready soon & head out to school but i'm so fucking tired!
Exams' screwing with my sleep & life now.

On a random note,
GOODBYE.
Hah :D

The live-to-write me.

2010-02-18T21:38:00.003+08:00

It's gonna be a boring post because i feel obligated to blog about something as an excuse where i've barely even wrote a paragraph for the past few days.
Okay so i lied,
it was practically blank.
I had no time whatsoever,
& i'm feeling more than a little bit i-couldn't-fucking care-less to even go into details on what has been going on in my life for the past few days.

I just know i needed to write.
Write things off my mind,
my chest my heart.
Just write it all off.

But where do i begin?
What do i write about?

Aww fuck.

Take a step back to see

2010-02-14T00:41:00.002+08:00

What a fool I can be.

Would you please stop mind-fucking me?
I am tired,
sick & worn out from guessing & playing these stupid "What-the-fuck-are-you-thinking-about" games.
I can't always try to keep up with it,
& i can't always play along either.

I hate me for this.

Little girl.

2010-02-10T13:46:00.005+08:00

Little girl she stares at her feet,
she feels so tiny & small.
She wonders how it's like to fly.

She longs to play on the clouds up high.

Thinking the sky's not far away,
she took a swing,
she took a leap,
& spread her wings into freedom.

Wings grew in pain,
& she didn't know how to fly.
No one taught her,
no one helped.
The little girl,
she's by herself.

She flaps helplessly & endlessly,
she couldn't cry.

She prays with her eyes closed,
& took the chance.
She took one final prance.

Gentle arms swept her away,
she opens her eyes in dismay,
thinking she's falling back to earth.
The little girl she couldn't believe what's awaiting her,
as nature beckons her to play,
the little girls dances with delight into the bright beautiful day.

She slid down rainbows,
& rode on golden beams.
Her hair behind her back,
her face washed by the winds.

She took a look down below her feet,
how absurd could it be?
For the world wasn't too big for her,
she wasn't all so tiny.

The little girl smile & rests her head on the cloud,
while sunlight chases away the shadow of doubts.
& eternity rest upon the little girl,
as she curls into her father's arms that cradle her.

Conversation with a boy.

2010-02-09T00:52:00.003+08:00

TNA. says:
*6.5.1 to 6.5.4
*he like nvr go through leh
justin says:
*haha
*i dunno
*i never listen in class
TNA. says:
*LOL
justin says:
*go fly kite in thailand la u
TNA. says:
*yah yah
*you go fly your dad's kite in sengkang
justin says:
*sengkang ur heAD
TNA. says:
*sengkang a lot of pl fly kite one leh.
justin says:
*spasm freak
TNA. says:
**ppl
justin says:
*haha
*kidding la
TNA. says:
*-.-
*you sound like vinod for a moment
justin says:
*isit?
*i can imitate ppl
*u wan me to copy who
TNA. says:
*RIGHT. i'm thinking maybe you have ppl over at your house.
justin says:
*look at the timee
*do u think my parents will let ppl in
TNA. says:
*who knws. you've been rebelling a lot.
justin says:
*why?
*u wanna come over now ah?
TNA. says:
*okay i swear to god, who the fuck are you?
justin says:
*its me la
*why u think its not me
*u can ask me
TNA. says:
*LOL.
*i see. you're gng through puberty late.
justin says:
*yeah
*raging now
*wanna come over
*hahahaha
TNA. says:
*LOL.
*WTH
*are you okay or sth?

I swear to God,
that's so not Justin.

Amongst the noise, i am silence.

2010-02-08T22:31:00.003+08:00

I'm scared.
So nervous i could choke,
so anxious i could die.
Yet,
why am i unfazed by this immense pressure?
Have i no sense of urgency?

Who knows.

& my thoughts continued to linger towards you.
This shit has got to stop.
I can't concentrate anymore,
& you're taking over my head.
Will you have my heart next?

I need to get a fucking grip.
I'm throwing everything away,
& that includes you.

Goodbye,
my thoughts & trash.
Goodbye heart.

Over you.

2010-02-06T19:26:00.002+08:00

Am i really over you?
Heart,
why do you doubt?
Love,
why do you hide?
Lips,
why do you lie?
Me,
why do i deny?

Just,
why?

For the love of life.

2010-02-06T18:23:00.006+08:00

We're family :D
Much missed Hidayah & Wei Yen.
Shermeen! She taught me a few self-cam tricks :D

Besties ♥.

XOXO.
The dog family.
Super adorkable pups! & i don't know what/where the hell John's looking at.
I abfuckinglutely ♥ doggies.

Band.
Bored.
& i'm f'kn late. (like what's so new about that hey?)

Bestie & i had a cozy moment in bathtub yesterday.
We re-enacted the scene back in Holland: & i still know where the moss grows at.
Sharing a tub together has got to be one of the best/fun thing you'd ever do with your girlfriend,
seriously.
We're close like that,
so much so we're not even ashamed of being butt-naked in front of each other.
& you know you're equally mad as to even bathe together & even thought of taking obscene photos in the tub.
Oh yes we've thought of it.
Too bad the camera's resting somewhere in my bag.
Comparing breast sizes & whatnot,
we talked about everything;
me & him,
her & whoever,
& whatever.
I ♥ this lesbian time of ours.
& if you're asking,
NO we're not bisexuals - get this, we're straight.

Don't you wish you had a bestie like mine?
Don't worry baby if you don't,
cos i'll be yours if you'd want me to.
But don't get me started on the naked issues :D

When i break, i break.

2010-02-05T14:46:00.002+08:00

Up out my face.

I need discipline.
I really do.
Self-control & tons of motivation too.
After all the self-studying at least some shit is getting into my head.
That's progress.

I will update more often now?
We'll see.

Energy

2010-02-04T20:51:00.006+08:00

I wish i could rip out a page of my memory,
'cause i put to much energy in him & me.
Can't wait till i get through this phase cause it's killin' me,
too bad we can't rewrite our own history.

Such a mystery,
when he's here with me,
it's hard to believe I'm still lonely.
Chances fadin' now,
patience runnin' out,
this ain't how it's supposed to be.

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy,
how do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me,
this love is takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of my energy.

Seems only like yesterday,
not even gravity could keep your feet off the ground when you're with me.
How can two be as one?
We've become so divided now,
there's no use hidin' from misery.

Such a mystery,
when he's here with me,
it's hard to believe I'm still lonely.
Chances fadin' now,
patience runnin' out,
this ain't how it's supposed to be.

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy,
how do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me,
this love is takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of...

Now I can feel you changing me,
& I can't afford to slip much further from the person I was meant to be.
I'm not afraid to walk alone,
not giving up,
but moving on before it gets to deep,
'cause you're taking all of my energy.

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy,
how do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me,
this love is takin' all of my energy...

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy,
how do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me,
this love is takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of...

You're killin me,
you're takin' all of me.

This love is takin' all of my energy.

I'm Conflicted.

2010-02-04T03:05:00.001+08:00

Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable,
you twist to fit the mold that I am in.
But things just gets so crazy living life gets hard to do,
& i would gladly hit the road get up & go if i knew -
that someday it would lead me back to you.
Singing someday it would lead me back to you.

I feel no sense of accomplishment,
for i have accomplished nothing.
I am suffocating with all the complexities coming my way,
& drowning in all these feelings so unknown.
So unknown - were they?
Perhaps not so,
for there is a sense of familiarity somewhere & only a person in self-denial would know.

We're strangers no less & friends no more.

& i would draw a line to define that boundary to keep you out,
but what good would that do?
You'd cross over with nothing less than effortless,
with nothing more than just an inch within your foot.

You gotta leave me alone,
for i'll crumble if i'm with you.
I'm dangling on a thin rope of hope,
& it's gonna snap,
soon.
So let go,
please?

Please let go.

WHY?

2010-02-01T21:16:00.000+08:00

I know i said i've given up.
& i really did.
I thought i was happier that way,
i thought i've moved on.
I did.
So tell me why do i feel so empty within?