Justify.

I need to justify myself.

Whatever happened in the past should stay in the past.
& that doesn't mean we should stay stuck in it forever - move on.
I don't care, & i never did anyway,
but to say i was completely ignorant would have been a lie.
I just can't be bothered.

I can't be bothered with the situation, not with what's going on between us.
I would have stepped out then to talk about it,
but really i don't think things would be so pleasant doing so.
Would you have listened calmly?
Would you be able to take all the shit that's gonna come out of my mouth?
Honestly i don't think so.
& seriously you're over-reacting then.
It's funny how things went out of proportion when i didn't even give much of a shit to it.
I'm sure right now you're going "Who says i won't blahblahblah what-the-fuck?!" & stuff;
i'm still sticking to my stand.
I don't make assumptions out of thin air,
& i don't judge people for the fun of it.
& yes i am judging you then & now still,
i won't deny.
If you feel it's a selfish act of injustice towards you, then hate me.
That's the glitch in life people couldn't stand so live with it & deal with it (:
I think we needed space.

& that's why i didn't give a damn.
If i did,
believe me,
it wouldn't be silent bitching anymore - i'd take it right to your face, right in front of everyone.
I'm a bitch like that.
I've got nothing to lose & nothing to hide, so what's the big deal?
& hey,
i'm human too - i have brains & emotions.
What'd you think?
That i'm some crazy bitch going 'round doing shit to fuck people up or something?
It's not a hobby or some sadistic pleasure.
It was never easy telling the ugly truth to someone you regard as a friend,
even more not so when you're gonna tell them about their faults & flaws.
But because we're weak like that,
secretly inside we've somehow grew hatred & dislike for one another because none of us ever want to face the problem anyway;
neither of us want to talk about it.

"I don't wanna hurt you."
It's really fucked up to think this way.

I think before i speak, or even do anything,
& i think a lot & i think hard.
If there was an easier way to settle things without having to lie or smack each other in the face or stab each other in the heart believe me i would have done that.

& i won't gloss over the fact that things are awkward either.
Honestly i find it hard to even look you in the eye, much less open my mouth.
Because what do i do then?
Just continue staring & wondering if i should say something?
I'd be a fucking creep.
& if it makes me more of a stuck-up snobby bitch to do that;
i've got nothing else to say.
That's me.
I don't wanna make excuses for myself or anything else.
I don't deal very well with awkwardness unless someone's willing to open up & even talk to me.

I can't say things could go back to normal or if opinions are gonna change,
but i believe sincerely with all my heart that everything broken can be fixed.
Well technically not everything, but you know what i mean.
A precious broken vase would have held more meaning to a perfect one,
for the imperfections on it speaks of the fragility & makes us treasure it more,
& it reminds us of the reason why it was ever broken in the first place - don't you agree?

I am done with the whole charade.
I've been over it for a long time.
Judge me hate me -whatever.
I don't care, because i'm nice like that (:
It's cool if you sit with me or talk to me,
& it's also cool if you don't.
We can even sit in silence & stare if that makes the situation any better.
I don't hate you, but i can't say i like you very much either?
I forgive but i believe it's hard to forget even for you.
It takes time,
but till then we can always go back to the start, to a fresh beginning.

I'll start with,
"Hi, my name is Tina, what's yours?"

:D




Ps: I feel so much better now.