Justify.

I need to justify myself.

Whatever happened in the past should stay in the past.
& that doesn't mean we should stay stuck in it forever - move on.
I don't care, & i never did anyway,
but to say i was completely ignorant would have been a lie.
I just can't be bothered.

I can't be bothered with the situation, not with what's going on between us.
I would have stepped out then to talk about it,
but really i don't think things would be so pleasant doing so.
Would you have listened calmly?
Would you be able to take all the shit that's gonna come out of my mouth?
Honestly i don't think so.
& seriously you're over-reacting then.
It's funny how things went out of proportion when i didn't even give much of a shit to it.
I'm sure right now you're going "Who says i won't blahblahblah what-the-fuck?!" & stuff;
i'm still sticking to my stand.
I don't make assumptions out of thin air,
& i don't judge people for the fun of it.
& yes i am judging you then & now still,
i won't deny.
If you feel it's a selfish act of injustice towards you, then hate me.
That's the glitch in life people couldn't stand so live with it & deal with it (:
I think we needed space.

& that's why i didn't give a damn.
If i did,
believe me,
it wouldn't be silent bitching anymore - i'd take it right to your face, right in front of everyone.
I'm a bitch like that.
I've got nothing to lose & nothing to hide, so what's the big deal?
& hey,
i'm human too - i have brains & emotions.
What'd you think?
That i'm some crazy bitch going 'round doing shit to fuck people up or something?
It's not a hobby or some sadistic pleasure.
It was never easy telling the ugly truth to someone you regard as a friend,
even more not so when you're gonna tell them about their faults & flaws.
But because we're weak like that,
secretly inside we've somehow grew hatred & dislike for one another because none of us ever want to face the problem anyway;
neither of us want to talk about it.

"I don't wanna hurt you."
It's really fucked up to think this way.

I think before i speak, or even do anything,
& i think a lot & i think hard.
If there was an easier way to settle things without having to lie or smack each other in the face or stab each other in the heart believe me i would have done that.

& i won't gloss over the fact that things are awkward either.
Honestly i find it hard to even look you in the eye, much less open my mouth.
Because what do i do then?
Just continue staring & wondering if i should say something?
I'd be a fucking creep.
& if it makes me more of a stuck-up snobby bitch to do that;
i've got nothing else to say.
That's me.
I don't wanna make excuses for myself or anything else.
I don't deal very well with awkwardness unless someone's willing to open up & even talk to me.

I can't say things could go back to normal or if opinions are gonna change,
but i believe sincerely with all my heart that everything broken can be fixed.
Well technically not everything, but you know what i mean.
A precious broken vase would have held more meaning to a perfect one,
for the imperfections on it speaks of the fragility & makes us treasure it more,
& it reminds us of the reason why it was ever broken in the first place - don't you agree?

I am done with the whole charade.
I've been over it for a long time.
Judge me hate me -whatever.
I don't care, because i'm nice like that (:
It's cool if you sit with me or talk to me,
& it's also cool if you don't.
We can even sit in silence & stare if that makes the situation any better.
I don't hate you, but i can't say i like you very much either?
I forgive but i believe it's hard to forget even for you.
It takes time,
but till then we can always go back to the start, to a fresh beginning.

I'll start with,
"Hi, my name is Tina, what's yours?"

:D




Ps: I feel so much better now.

Huff & Puff.

I did it.
My first stick of stinkin' fag that i hate so.very.much.
I smoked.

I smoked?
I was SMOKIN' HOT!

Hahaha!
It wasn't something to be proud of,
but yet i am :D
& it wasn't a great sensation either - it just fills up your lungs & choke you.
I only got 2 successful puffs after what,
10 tries?
Nicole said i wasn't taking in enough & that i released it too soon,
cos she couldn't see any smoke coming out of my mouth.
The thing was,
i didn't suck in air after a puff which i think makes a whole lotta difference.
My throat feels so dry now.

Okay my head doesn't feel too good either & it's not because i smoked.
I just didn't have enough sleep.
& i need to get ready soon & head out to school but i'm so fucking tired!
Exams' screwing with my sleep & life now.

On a random note,
GOODBYE.
Hah :D

The live-to-write me.

It's gonna be a boring post because i feel obligated to blog about something as an excuse where i've barely even wrote a paragraph for the past few days.
Okay so i lied,
it was practically blank.
I had no time whatsoever,
& i'm feeling more than a little bit i-couldn't-fucking care-less to even go into details on what has been going on in my life for the past few days.

I just know i needed to write.
Write things off my mind,
my chest my heart.
Just write it all off.

But where do i begin?
What do i write about?

Aww fuck.

Take a step back to see

What a fool I can be.

Would you please stop mind-fucking me?
I am tired,
sick & worn out from guessing & playing these stupid "What-the-fuck-are-you-thinking-about" games.
I can't always try to keep up with it,
& i can't always play along either.

I hate me for this.

Little girl.

Little girl she stares at her feet,
she feels so tiny & small.
She wonders how it's like to fly.

She longs to play on the clouds up high.

Thinking the sky's not far away,
she took a swing,
she took a leap,
& spread her wings into freedom.

Wings grew in pain,
& she didn't know how to fly.
No one taught her,
no one helped.
The little girl,
she's by herself.

She flaps helplessly & endlessly,
she couldn't cry.

She prays with her eyes closed,
& took the chance.
She took one final prance.

Gentle arms swept her away,
she opens her eyes in dismay,
thinking she's falling back to earth.
The little girl she couldn't believe what's awaiting her,
as nature beckons her to play,
the little girls dances with delight into the bright beautiful day.

She slid down rainbows,
& rode on golden beams.
Her hair behind her back,
her face washed by the winds.

She took a look down below her feet,
how absurd could it be?
For the world wasn't too big for her,
she wasn't all so tiny.

The little girl smile & rests her head on the cloud,
while sunlight chases away the shadow of doubts.
& eternity rest upon the little girl,
as she curls into her father's arms that cradle her.

Conversation with a boy.

TNA. says:
*6.5.1 to 6.5.4
*he like nvr go through leh
justin says:
*haha
*i dunno
*i never listen in class
TNA. says:
*LOL
justin says:
*go fly kite in thailand la u
TNA. says:
*yah yah
*you go fly your dad's kite in sengkang
justin says:
*sengkang ur heAD
TNA. says:
*sengkang a lot of pl fly kite one leh.
justin says:
*spasm freak
TNA. says:
**ppl
justin says:
*haha
*kidding la
TNA. says:
*-.-
*you sound like vinod for a moment
justin says:
*isit?
*i can imitate ppl
*u wan me to copy who
TNA. says:
*RIGHT. i'm thinking maybe you have ppl over at your house.
justin says:
*look at the timee
*do u think my parents will let ppl in
TNA. says:
*who knws. you've been rebelling a lot.
justin says:
*why?
*u wanna come over now ah?
TNA. says:
*okay i swear to god, who the fuck are you?
justin says:
*its me la
*why u think its not me
*u can ask me
TNA. says:
*LOL.
*i see. you're gng through puberty late.
justin says:
*yeah
*raging now
*wanna come over
*hahahaha
TNA. says:
*LOL.
*WTH
*are you okay or sth?


I swear to God,
that's so not Justin.

Amongst the noise, i am silence.

I'm scared.
So nervous i could choke,
so anxious i could die.
Yet,
why am i unfazed by this immense pressure?
Have i no sense of urgency?

Who knows.

& my thoughts continued to linger towards you.
This shit has got to stop.
I can't concentrate anymore,
& you're taking over my head.
Will you have my heart next?

I need to get a fucking grip.
I'm throwing everything away,
& that includes you.

Goodbye,
my thoughts & trash.
Goodbye heart.

Over you.

Am i really over you?
Heart,
why do you doubt?
Love,
why do you hide?
Lips,
why do you lie?
Me,
why do i deny?

Just,
why?

For the love of life.

We're family :D
Much missed Hidayah & Wei Yen.
Shermeen! She taught me a few self-cam tricks :D


Besties ♥.

XOXO.
The dog family.
Super adorkable pups! & i don't know what/where the hell John's looking at.
I abfuckinglutely ♥ doggies.

Band.
Bored.
& i'm f'kn late. (like what's so new about that hey?)

Bestie & i had a cozy moment in bathtub yesterday.
We re-enacted the scene back in Holland: & i still know where the moss grows at.
Sharing a tub together has got to be one of the best/fun thing you'd ever do with your girlfriend,
seriously.
We're close like that,
so much so we're not even ashamed of being butt-naked in front of each other.
& you know you're equally mad as to even bathe together & even thought of taking obscene photos in the tub.
Oh yes we've thought of it.
Too bad the camera's resting somewhere in my bag.
Comparing breast sizes & whatnot,
we talked about everything;
me & him,
her & whoever,
& whatever.
I ♥ this lesbian time of ours.
& if you're asking,
NO we're not bisexuals - get this, we're straight.

Don't you wish you had a bestie like mine?
Don't worry baby if you don't,
cos i'll be yours if you'd want me to.
But don't get me started on the naked issues :D

When i break, i break.

Up out my face.

I need discipline.
I really do.
Self-control & tons of motivation too.
After all the self-studying at least some shit is getting into my head.
That's progress.

I will update more often now?
We'll see.

Energy

I wish i could rip out a page of my memory,
'cause i put to much energy in him & me.
Can't wait till i get through this phase cause it's killin' me,
too bad we can't rewrite our own history.

Such a mystery,
when he's here with me,
it's hard to believe I'm still lonely.
Chances fadin' now,
patience runnin' out,
this ain't how it's supposed to be.

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy,
how do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me,
this love is takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of my energy.

Seems only like yesterday,
not even gravity could keep your feet off the ground when you're with me.
How can two be as one?
We've become so divided now,
there's no use hidin' from misery.

Such a mystery,
when he's here with me,
it's hard to believe I'm still lonely.
Chances fadin' now,
patience runnin' out,
this ain't how it's supposed to be.

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy,
how do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me,
this love is takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of...

Now I can feel you changing me,
& I can't afford to slip much further from the person I was meant to be.
I'm not afraid to walk alone,
not giving up,
but moving on before it gets to deep,
'cause you're taking all of my energy.

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy,
how do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me,
this love is takin' all of my energy...

I'm havin' nightmares from sleepin' with the enemy,
how do we reverse the chemistry?
I don't want us to be the end of me,
this love is takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of my energy,
energy,
my energy,
takin' all of...

You're killin me,
you're takin' all of me.

This love is takin' all of my energy.

I'm Conflicted.

Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable,
you twist to fit the mold that I am in.
But things just gets so crazy living life gets hard to do,
& i would gladly hit the road get up & go if i knew -
that someday it would lead me back to you.
Singing someday it would lead me back to you.

I feel no sense of accomplishment,
for i have accomplished nothing.
I am suffocating with all the complexities coming my way,
& drowning in all these feelings so unknown.
So unknown - were they?
Perhaps not so,
for there is a sense of familiarity somewhere & only a person in self-denial would know.

We're strangers no less & friends no more.

& i would draw a line to define that boundary to keep you out,
but what good would that do?
You'd cross over with nothing less than effortless,
with nothing more than just an inch within your foot.

You gotta leave me alone,
for i'll crumble if i'm with you.
I'm dangling on a thin rope of hope,
& it's gonna snap,
soon.
So let go,
please?

Please let go.

WHY?

I know i said i've given up.
& i really did.
I thought i was happier that way,
i thought i've moved on.
I did.
So tell me why do i feel so empty within?